Sake Karate Bukkake!

Plebs will most likely not understand this entry’s title, so I’ll make it easy for you them: It means “My trip to Japan” in Japanese, obviously. Thank you, Asian porn, anime and exotic bars for teaching me such great words for everyday use. I also know some complex phrases like, “Mitsubishi Honda Toyota!” and “Teriyaki sashimi gohan tempura udon?”. I won’t bother translating those for you because they’re about politics and the new world order, something I don’t necessarily feel like discussing on this blog.

Bullshit, aside…

I FUCKING WENT TO JAPAN!

After 15 5 years of constantly dreaming about getting my delicious ass there, I finally did it. After many and sometimes endless arguments with my boyfriend about going on my own or with him we finally ended up going together, much to my dismay. It’s not like I don’t like being with him, ’cause I do, but traveling together has always been horrible and stressful, so I wasn’t that excited about it, to be honest. On the good side, that was a great excuse to sit on his dick every night and day do some major shopping and have someone else to carry it all for me. Always seeing the glass half-full, that’s so me.

So we hoped on that plane and let the adventure began.

Even after doing some research on Japan and stuff I should know before booking an entire three-weeks stay there, I still had no fucking clue as to what to expect. so I pretty much knew what everybody else knows about that country and its people:

• Most food consists of everything which is smelly and slimy rice and fish.
• Japanese men have really small dicks are very respectful of others.
• Most Japanese don’t speak English.
• All Japanese are born with mad karate skills.
• They have some crazy porn anime shows.

So, yeah, I was drawing blanks. Thankfully, I booked a tour for some days of the séjour, in hopes that it would give me an idea of who what to do and how to do him it. Oh, Lord, how wrong I was…

The tour guide was actually pretty hot with his sexy Australian accent decent and would always be sharing beers and sake tidbits about Japan and the people with us, so that was good. Unfortunately, the tour group was full of bitches and whores people who were not quite as interested in touring the country as I was. Why the fuck would they go to Japan if they totally hated the food and could not pick a fucking sushi roll with chopsticks even if their lives depended on it?

That describes 80% of the people I had to tour with.

God knows I was so pissed during the whole tour that I had to angry fuck my boyfriend every night had to go out for drinks with the tour guide and my boyfriend every single night. That never ended up well, by the way, especially because I have no self control whatsoever and got shitfaced every single night.

I have to admit it was kinda fun to leave the bars totally smashed and just try to get back to the hotel. When I say ‘Fun’ I actually mean ‘Absolutely terrifying’, but whatever. I don’t know how, but I somehow managed to stop a cab every time and just give instructions to the driver in Japanese to get us back to our hotel. As you may have already noticed, my Japanese is fucked up fucking amazing.

But seriously, if that’s not what Darwin meant by “Survival of the fittest”, then I can’t possibly imagine what he was talking about.

Also, I’m amazed at how not even the tourist places had English translations. I mean, seriously? Millions of people go to Kyoto every year and pay to go in and see the 1,000 temples and shrines that are there. Why the hell would the Japanese think it is not a good idea to put some explanations in English or a brochure at the very least?

It was also beyond exquisite how silent the people and the cities were. Hell, I’m louder when getting nailed than Tokyo traffic at peak hour! It was just unbelievable. Restaurants were also pretty quiet, except for the occasional school-girl-filled table –  which is totally OK seeing that they will become furniture reserved women as soon as they get married.

There are so many other things I’d like to talk about but I’m jetlagging like a mad bitch so I won’t. I’ll just say goodbye now with a Japanese phrase I learned: Nikon surimi hashi Mitsubishi edamame Sony Honda kampai.

I know, I’m a cunt deep.

But seriously, all bullshit foreign wisdom aside, one thing the tour guide said actually made some sense: Whenever I’m having a shitty day I just go through my passport and see all the stamps and I’ll be like, “Fuck that! I’ve had a great life!”. That’s therapy, man!

So, yeah, I still think I have a shitty life, but hell if going through all those stamps don’t make it better for a while!

Also, fuck Mexico, like, seriously.