I watched this movie yesterday mainly because my friend paid for it the reviews were amazing, so why not? I’ve made terrible decisions like almost dying of alcohol poisoning at the company’s Christmas party, but willingly submitting myself to this torture was by far the worst. How was I supposed to know that Rotten Tomatoes would troll me this hard? Honestly, I nearly started believing Donnie when he said it was all fake news.
But that’s another story.
So I’ll just go through all the scenes/plots/characters/random shit that made me want to pop a Xanax or 20 in no particular order. This is obviously just, like, my opinion and stuff, don’t @ me. Hey SW:TLJ, welcome to your tape, bitch:
1. Kylo Ren
Oh God. Seriously, why you acting cray, girl? The only thing in this universe that’s saltier than Crait, the salt planet, is your whiny ass. You’re literally the son of a princess and a sketchy thief-turned-hero with mad piloting skills and a cool hairy co-pilot. What did your parents do to you? Did they take your eyeliner away? Honestly, who personally victimized you so badly that you decided to lead the intergalactic version of a school mass shooting? Also, I don’t hate you because you’re ugly, you’re ugly because I hate you.
Nah, I’m kidding, he’s actually ugly af. Put the casting director on the line because they need an intervention.
2. The forced token multicultural romance
OK, Disney, we get it. It’s 2017 and your main source of income Millennials will lose their shit at anything that reminds them of the oppressing white heteronormative patriarchal society we live in, so it makes complete sense to add the token black guy and Asian woman to lure us into a false sense of security demonstrate you’re on the bright side of the Force.
That i get. What I don’t get is just why it was necessary to make the Asian girl fall for the black fuckboy, who’s clearly just trying to slide into Rey’s DMs them fall in love. Also, girl, what the actual fuck were you thinking? You decided to sacrifice yourself to save a guy that’s only ever going to hit you with ‘u up?’ texts at 1 am never going to love you back?
But the worst part of this 2 minute long scene – yes, it was that short and still so full of beautiful emotions, sort of like the Kardashians’ education background – was the fact that she let the Empire/Nazis/Death Eaters/Capitol, or whatever the name of the bad guys’ gang is, annihilate the whole Rebellion just to save this guy. I just think it’s funny how we literally spent 50 minutes watching said forced couple trying to save the Rebellion from being annihilated just so the Asian chick would let them die anyway in the name of love. Lol Disney, you’re so random.
3. Luke Skywalker
Am I the only one who expected the greatest legend of this universe walk straight into the battle and kick the emo kid’s ass? Well, that went south pretty fast. His great action scene consisted of him copying Neo’s back-bending move, taunting his fugly nephew, and then dying. Just like that. The worst thing is that all the characters agreed that he died at peace and with a sense of purpose. Bitch, what? He died a bitter old man who was literally drinking herpes green milk straight from the tits of an alien package. Not cool, man.
4. Princess Leia
Now is the perfect time to speak of the other incestuous sibling Skywalker: Leia. I won’t even bother explaining how useless her character is, because at this point we can all agree to this. I’m just going to focus on that 3-second long scene where she literally flew across space to save her ass from dying.
What the fuck was that?
Is she a Jedi now? Wonder Woman? A Powerpuff Girl? What is the truth?
On the other side, she pulled that stunt and survived, much unlike Carrie Fisher when flying commercial. Where was the Force then?
5. The reviews
This brings me to the final point of my investigation. The more I analyze this, the more convinced I am that the reason why the reviews are so high is because it’s Carrie Fisher’s last performance. There is objectively nothing good about this movie except for the Porgs, but all critics are just too scared of saying that out loud and facing a huge backlash from the snowflakes fans.
Yes, Princess Leia is a huge character in the saga, but her whole popularity is based on three things:
- The cinnamon bun hairdo
- The whole saving the galaxy thing without ever wearing a bra (this is a fact, google it)
Being the OG intergalactic thottieThe immense amount of fan service in The Return of the Jedi
Was this iconic? Yes.
Was this a ground-breaking performance unlike any other? Hardly.
In summary, let’s accept that Princess Leia will always live in the basement dwellers’ fans’ hearts and in Comic-Cons everywhere, and agree that this movie was a big piece of crap. You’re welcome.
Rating: 1/5
Pros: The Porgs and Chewbacca are super cute and should have their own movie.
Cons: Token minorities are exploited in the most random ways possible to bring in money. The plot doesn’t make sense at all. Kylo Ren’s fugly face on screen 90% of the movie. Why?
