1. 04/06/2012: Tried to kill myself today after fucking it up with my second girlfriend (schizophrenic). Drove in, at the time Volkswagen Golf, out to find a solitary place to do it. Never knew how hard it is to actually get to such a place on a drivable road without being seen. Had made a tube from a vacuum cleaner and some shoe dryers and taped a beer can at the end so it wouldn’t melt on the exhaust pipe. Found a place where they pick up lumber (it was night), and put the tube into the pipe then through the front right window, and stuffed the open gap with my jacket. Sent a message to my doc to cancel an appointment. Started the engine and waited. It just smelled exhaust at first. Immediately regretted not bringing a blanket.
2. 10/3/13: And I thought I was getting better. Fuck.
I guess the past two months have been alright, even if she didn’t escape my thoughts once. How the room smelled of alcohol and sweat and her. How I can’t stand that mix of smells now.
This guy on the tube today smelled an awful lot like it.
I talked to her friend today, hoping I’d get more “connected” to her that way. Checked my messages as well.
Didn’t work.
I still can’t get her taste out of my mouth.
3. Oct. 4, 2013: I’ve had one light meal in the past 72 hours, I should probably eat more but I keep forgetting to. I should probably sleep more but the hunger keeps me up at night. I had a dream tonight (after a pleasant two hours of sleep) in which my alarm clock went off. I woke up in real life, at 5:30. I couldn’t get back to sleep. Classes went all right today. I didn’t get my math test back, which is a good thing. I got an A- on an essay concerning the Book of Job. I’m worried that the woman I’m crushing on will be stolen by someone more charismatic or better looking than I. I should move more quickly towards building a serious relationship but I’ve no clue what to say. I will most likely spend the night reading Wallace Stevens, debating first off whether or not to text her, and second off what I should say in said text.
Damned if she’s not cute. Damned if I’m not a romantic. Damned if I lose her.
I’m considering purchasing a two-volume biography of Wallace Steven, though, with my past attempts at biography I have had little success, even with figures whom I am interested in (my reading of a Jean-Luc Godard biography never passed 1974). I’m also looking into some critical works, I find his poetry fascinating and beautiful and admirable.
The room is quiet where they are.
The windows are open. The sunlight fills
the curtains. Even the drifting of the curtains,
slight as it is, disturbs me. I did not know
that such ferocities could tear
one self from another
4. August 29. 1994: My grandma died last night. Somebody told me that she jumped from a boat and into the ocean, I don’t remember who. Mom is really sad and my dad is doing his best to entertain family members around the house between comforting her. I’ve mostly been looking after my brother and sister and various other nephews or nieces that are too young to realized what happened. But the worst thing is, I don’t feel anything. A part of me wants to be sad and another wants to be happy, because it’s been such a long time since so many people have visited us. But I feel nothing, and that’s worse than feeling either of those things.
5. 9/15/2013: How does it make you feel knowing there is always someone better than you? Not just a little better, but amazingly better. Better at everything you do. You question and say “well.. how are they better?” but that makes no difference. Every definition of success you can come up with you will always be the lesser. There will always be someone more moral than you, more intelligent, more qualified, more charming, more happy. Trying to succeed at life is a joke. You will always be destitute in terms of anything you wanted to or have accomplished. I can not be content with myself if I do not live up to my expectations and achieve something great. I want to succeed to show myself that I can do it, and that if I worked as hard or harder than everyone else I can be better than them. It is very petty when I think about, yet I can not shake the attitude that I need to surpass people to feel accomplishment. I am curious as to how quickly I will justify the failure of my goals.
