Goodbye To Us

I love you, but I love myself more.

“I love you.”

That’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of you. But that’s not the only thought I have.

“Come closer to me. I miss you. Hold me. I fear of losing you. Accept me. You’re my one. Do you love me back? Marry me. Are we equals? I want to grow old with you. I love the warmth of your body against mine. Why are you doing this to me? Don’t give up on me. Don’t you see you’re hurting me? I adore your smile when I wake up next to you. Don’t let me go. Goodbye.

Ever since I met you I knew I was destined to be with you. You were perfect. You still are, even if I’ve realized you are full of flaws. You are perfect, to me, for me.

You worked your way through my walls. You did not give up on me when my fears and emotional scars tried to push you away. You hold on to me through all of this. You listened to me and respected my way of thinking and acting, even though you did not approve of it at times. You let me go on my quest around the world when I was trying to find myself… and you followed me. You never asked for anything in exchange for that. You never brought it up when we argued over things. You did all these magnificent things for love. You showed me time after time that you loved me. I noticed. I always did.

And I loved you. Oh, God, how I loved you.

I still do. I love you not only for who you are but for the man I am when I’m with you. I love you for not only caring about me, but also for my family, my friends and everyone around me. I love you because you listen to me, even when I am talking nonsense. I love you because you’ve seen all my flaws and helped me work on them. I love you because you always know what to say, you say what I need to hear and also what I don’t want to hear but I must hear. I love your way of touching me. But most of all, I love how you are able to see through me. You’ve seen me, without masks, without inhibitions. You’ve seen me at the top of the world and when I’ve hit rock bottom too. You’ve seen my soul, my dreams, my fears, my needs, my faults… and you have never thought of running away. You’ve stayed.

And I’ve always wanted to do the same for you. I want to make you feel what you’ve made me feel. I want you to be as happy to be with me as I am to be with you. I’ve put my goals on standby to support you in yours. I gave you a family, mine, for you needed one. I’ve tried to walk along you, supporting you, eager to catch you if you appear to fall down. Ready to put you back on track if that brings happiness to you.

When we started dating, I told you I wanted you to be happy. And I tried to keep my word. I tried to make you happy. I’ve always tried to make you happy, even if I’m not.

But I can’t do it anymore.

I love you. You love me. But that’s not enough. I want a future with you, and that is something you will never let me have. At least not the one future I want.

Whenever we’re walking around town, you always take long strides while I run behind trying to catch up with you. You refuse to walk by my side. You never seem to notice, but I do, all the time. You’re leaving me behind.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of calling you on that. I’m tired of watching your plane take off every Sunday night because you decided to accept a job afar. I’m tired of only seeing you five days a month because of that. I’m tired of pretending that, after 8 years of being together, this decision was for the best, for both of us. I’m tired of only being able to interact with you through a mobile. I’m tired of listening to your excuses to not come out to your family and friends. I’m tired of giving those same excuses to my family to justify your actions. I’m tired of you not letting me be a part of your daily life. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of us.

I want to marry you. You know that. I want to have children. You know that. I want to be out in public and show everyone what a beautiful relationship we have. Despite having told you all this, you still don’t seem to understand. You don’t understand how much it’s hurting me. You don’t understand how much you’re hurting me. You don’t understand how frustrated I am over this. You don’t understand how sad I am every time I have to drop you at the airport, how hard it is for me to say goodbye.

Or is it perhaps that you do understand but you just don’t care enough to do something about it?

I’ve decided to move on. I’m moving on, not because I hate you nor because I want to hurt you. I’m moving on because I love you. I love you enough to not force you to do something I know you don’t want to do.

So I’m saying goodbye. I’m saying goodbye to you, to us. I’m saying goodbye for I can’t pretend I’m happy anymore, for I can’t keep putting my feelings aside. I’m saying goodbye because it is the best for us, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. I’m saying goodbye because you were the best thing that could had ever happened to me, and I want to always think of you that way.

I’m saying goodbye because I love you, more than you will ever know, but I love myself too.

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