The First Mistake

I should have said No when I had to.

I cheated on my now ex-boyfriend two weeks before getting engaged to him. That was the first time. It was also the only time. Cheating, however, is not restricted to physical stuff.

In fact, ever since I moved to Montreal, I went out on dates with at least five different guys. It was just a really bad timing for me to actually have sex with one of them two weeks before getting engaged.

Truth be told, I wanted to break up with him before boarding that plane. I actually did one day before leaving. We had just come back from spending a month in South Africa and, even though, the experience was great, I knew that I had to do it.

My ex-boyfriend cried for hours that night and the morning after. It was so bad that I hesitantly agreed to give this long-distance relationship a go. That was my first mistake; not because of agreeing to a long-distance relationship, but because I didn’t want to be in it anymore, because I knew he would never give me what I wanted. I was just too much of a coward to say it.

He had many issues with being gay. He didn’t have much of a support net as I did. In fact, his support net was me. I understood that and tried to help him with that, but he was too comfortable living his secret gay life while he pretended to be straight with everyone else. He wanted me to remain his secret, I wanted to be his husband.

So after eight months apart, and after having dated four guys, I met Marc-André. He was boring, but he was confident. He was proud of being who he was and he sure let me know that when he French-kissed me in the middle of the street. That was a shocker in many ways.

I had never kissed anyone else while I was with my ex-boyfriend, and I certainly had never been kissed in the middle of a street. That was exciting but it also made me feel terrible. The worst part was that I wanted more of that, regardless of the consequences.

That was how, one week later, I had sex with him.

I enjoyed it so much, maybe even too much. One part of me had enjoyed it greatly, the other hated myself for doing it. I was very confused. I didn’t know what I was feeling, I didn’t know what I should be feeling. I just knew I had to break up with my ex-boyfriend before I kept on tainting our relationship.

But he arrived two weeks later with that beautiful engagement ring. It was not just the ring itself which was beautiful, it was all the emotions embedded in it that made it that way. My dream had finally come true. Unfortunately, I was no longer the person that I had dreamed of.

I couldn’t say ‘No’.

That was my first mistake. I couldn’t say ‘No’ when I wanted to end the relationship a year ago, when I slept with this guy even though I knew it was wrong and against my moral code, or when my ex-boyfriend finally asked me to marry him.

I was too afraid of his reaction without noticing just how much harm I was doing to him – and myself – by agreeing to it all. I wanted to spare him the pain without realizing that I would only hurt him more in the end.

That was my first mistake.

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