The Quest For Love Begins

All the fish in the sea send me dick pics.

After being on Grindr for a few days and pretty much being harassed by seniors and their dick pics, I decided to try another dating app. It’s not that I have anything against seniors, in fact, I find it charming that sex is still a thing at 70 years old. It is somewhat inspiring, to be honest.

However, as much of a supporter of pro-cardio seniors as I am, that doesn’t mean I want to help them “train”. Fuck, no. I like my men like I like my McDonald’s meals: 50 years before their expiry date. OK, I’m lying: I don’t eat McDonald’s food or any other type of fast food, but I am serious on the expiry date part; a chicken nuggets package bought today will be good to eat long after Leonardo DiCaprio finally wins an Oscar, and it seems like that’s going to take a while.

Unfortunately, I decided to break up with my boyfriend at a terrible time. On the one hand, we are living in an era where pop culture has glamorized relationships between – for the most part – affluent yet lonely middle age men and young and uneducated gold diggers. Simply put: We live in an era full of sugar daddies and the trophy boys who do them. This is terrible.

On the other hand, I am too old (and also ambitious, educated, well-traveled, and independent) for men twice my age to even look at me, and I am also too young for men seven years younger than me to consider dating me in spite of the qualities above listed. That leaves me with people around my age gap, let’s say 28-35 years old, who are either:

a) in open relationships, meaning physically available but not emotionally

b) partnered, who are exactly like those in open relationships, except it’s twice the fun (and also twice the workout)

c) recently single, who are still hurting, thus looking forward to spending the next months sleeping around and getting wasted

d) single by choice, whether it is because of a previous bad relationship, bad timing, or just by choice, they are also having the time of their lives with as many randos as possible

Clearly Grindr is not giving me what I want: Another chance at love. It is, however, exposing me to the whole hookup experience. As entertaining as it is to analyze and sometimes even troll the dudes that hit me up, I certainly don’t want to be caught in all of that. Maybe I am too conceited, maybe I’m delusional, or maybe I’m riding a psychological white horse, but the truth is I don’t want to be like these guys.

Yes, I fucked up a relationship, I am heartbroken, and I did horrible things, but I also believe I learned a lot from this whole experience. My self-analysis prior, during, and after my breakup, has shown me many things about who I am and what I am looking for. Sending dick pics over an app is nowhere in that list.

So I created an OKCupid profile thinking that maybe its user pool would be more aligned to what I was looking for. That was yet another mistake in this increasingly long series of errors. Honestly.

Could somebody tell me where all the good men have gone or at least which app they’re on, please?

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