When Is It Enough?

When do you stop chasing a dream?

I’ve been trying to get my dream job since I can remember. I’ve spoken to people, I’ve strengthened my profile in multiple ways, I’ve taken jobs on the areas related to that position to understand it better, and I even did a fucking MBA to have a better shot at it. Now, three and a half years later, I’m still where I started: Nowhere near close.

When I took the role at my current company I told myself this would be my last attempt to get that dream job. I networked, I stated my interest, I even got myself involved in my desired department’s projects to learn more about the job and be ready for when my time came.

Back in June I spoke to the department’s VP, she was happy with my performance and strongly hinted at the possibility of a change by November of this year. There was nothing written in stone, obviously. However, she sounded confident, she even asked me if I could wait until November, as if she were afraid of losing me to another company. I was flattered, but mostly, I was happy. I had hope.

For the first time in my life, I felt like all my hard work would finally pay off. I was approached by a handful of companies, all of them offering me a better opportunity in the area I currently am in, but I rejected them, as tempting as they were. Why would I continue doing what I do elsewhere when my dream is within arms’ reach?

There were many rumors and gossip spread through the grapevine during the following months. Too many to keep track of them, but all of them threatening the outcome I expected. I Fast forward to a few days ago, the integration plan of the latest company acquisition is finally revealed.

The change I was “promised” did not come to be.

I am devastated. I feel like a failure, like I will never get anywhere. Although I try to tell myself this decision was not based on my own performance and efforts, I’m still ridden with insecurities.

Could I have done something better?
Should I have spoken to more people?
Am I more average than I think I am?
Is it because I’m not likeable?
Am I simply not enough?

And with that thought, another comes to mind: When is it enough?

When do I stop trying? When do I need to cut my losses and build a career based on something I can do right now instead of wandering through life trying to get a position that perhaps will never be for me? When do I accept that my dream is just that, a dream?

This has been my career plan for as long as I remember, I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I don’t know what to do now that there is no more hope.

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