You Have One Job

How do some people keep their jobs?

So, every now and then you take a look around at your workplace and wonder how all these fucking assholes very talented people ended up working next to you or even managed to get hired at all. I know, right? It’s like, what did you do in your previous life to be so damn lucky? After giving some thought to it, I am certain I must have been Hitler Gandhi in one of my previous lives, like, there’s no other explanation for me to be knee deep in shit so fortunate now.

What do all of them have in common anyway? Well, they were all hired by the same team of assholes professionals, for starters. With such a great team in HR, no wonder I’m stuck with these co-workers.

It turns out my company is in the red this year. There have been a hell lot of budget restrictions, no promotions, no raises, no training, no nothing to make life in such hell heaven a little bit more bearable charming. Yeah, but all these limitations do not apply to the wonderful people at the HR department. Hell, no.

Those bitches only have one job, and that is to do things to keep the real moneymakers – my department – happy, right? Well, apparently they didn’t get the memo. Instead, they begged the HR director to buy them all Macs with the whole Adobe Creative Design package installed. So that’s like 5K USD each. Well, of course, I’m not Fidel Castro, I’m OK with people asking for more resources to do their jobs better, but, you know, that’s the keyword right there: better. That is something those fuckers have no intention to do, obviously.

One of them in particular is in charge of all internal communication, so obviously she has to do all these great flash animations and shoops and draw fucking ponies pooping rainbows everywhere to keep us motivated and shit, right? Well, I am no expert and yet I’m pretty fucking sure I could do a better job on Paint. Seriously. Bitch, just stop wasting humankind’s oxygen the company’s money!

What is even worse is that she’s in charge of our company’s 15th anniversary celebrations too, like it wasn’t bad enough already. She had the moronic amazing and ever so original idea of celebrating every single day of November and build up the tension joy till the anniversary party on the 30th. Well, isn’t that sweet?

Just so you know, it isn’t.

I’m sorry but hiring a saxophonist to play during Monday on rush hour is not my idea of a celebration. Moreover, bringing a clown and a wizard when you’re in the middle of ripping a client’s throat a nice and warm conversation with your favorite client is also idiotic nice. I don’t know where she gets these incredible ideas but seriously, just stop fucking wasting my bonus money and die already. Not even your mom will miss you! In fact, I’m sure that her mom would had been the poster girl if the morning pill could be taken retroactively.

On very, very, very related news: That bitch was “mugged” some months ago and the “thief” beat the shit out of her. There are many quotes in that last sentence for a good reason: I’m pretty sure that the so-called thief was actually an employee who just couldn’t keep up with her shit anymore.

Actually, it was me.

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