Patient Zero

I’ve said it before: China will kill us all.

Well, it’s been a while since it was 2009. I survived to the drug cartels, the 1.2 liter beers, my Swedish roomies, my bff Cecy and her drunk driving skills. Oh, yeah, I also lived through the influenza AH1N1 crisis. Fun times.

So now that the covid-19 pandemic has reached critical levels, one would hope that, if there’s anyone remotely prepared to face this shitshow, that would be me. I mean, I survived to all of the above in extra skinny jeans that were one size smaller than they should have been. Perhaps I exhibit self-destructive behavior, but I just call it fashion.

As highly as I think of me, I have to confess I only managed given the massive amounts of drugs and alcohol in my body. There is no way a virus would survive in that environment. Fuck, I nearly didn’t. Big difference to today when I can’t even have two cups of green tea without my internal organs kicking me from the inside. Let’s just say that life could be better.

Now let’s put aside the fact that the Chinese are entirely to blame for this mess and focus on the important things: Why? Why the fuck are they so stupid?

Isn’t it enough for them to nearly drive the rhinos, elephants, tigers, sharks, and Hong Kong’s remaining freedom to extinction, now they are also going after me? I am shooketh. I’m not into genocide, but I would be perfectly OK if the coronavirus takes 700 or 800 million Chinese citizens with it. You might call me an extremist, but I’m sure the animal kingdom would agree with me. Some would call me Pocahontas, but I don’t make a living out of betraying my tribe for some white rando’s dick. I sit on that in my free time.

Anyway, now the shit has hit the fan and the whole world is under quarantine due to these idiots. What the actual fuck? I recently got a promotion and literally, the only perk of that new position was that I could fly to Europe for this massive month-long party with some work meetings on the side, and now I cannot even go to the coffee shop in the corner without being sprayed with sanitizer gel in the face. I’ve taken many things to the face, but Purell stings like a bitch.

As if things weren’t bad enough already, all the bad Karma I’ve accumulated during my life decided to come say ‘Hi’. As it happens, this idiot from work went to California and New York and, claiming that the whole situation was a hoax, never washed his hands or wiped his ass like most masc4masc straight-passing tops do. This is how we all died.

As soon as he came back, he ate, drank coffee, and had meetings with us, only to start showing symptoms a couple days after. He was sent home to get tested asap. This of course was all a secret because God forbid the company actually tells us what’s going on for once. Meanwhile, the HR woman – who, by the way, is mostly known for being the most racist, tone deaf HR person ever – sent an email saying something like this:

Dear all,
DON’T WORRY blah blah IT’S OK blah blah PREVENTIVE blah blah NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT blah blah IT’S OK blah blah EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE blah blah IT’S OK.

Narrator voice: Of course it fucking wasn’t.

A second email arrived saying that the office was shut down until further notice. They also hired a company to come spray every corner with disinfectant. Yeah, I feel much safer now.

Meanwhile, Patient Zero went home and didn’t get tested because he couldn’t be bothered googling the clinic’s phone number. I’m basically going to die and not even as a consequence of being the messy bitch who lives for drama that I am. As proof of this, the identity of Patient Zero was a secret I should not even know, but did that stop me from ranting to the biggest gossip in the company? Of course not. To be fair, I forgot she didn’t know and blurted it out.

Do I regret it? No. Do I wish I hadn’t done it? No. But am I gonna get fired due to this? Probs.

Am I doomed or will PrEP protect me from covid-19? I will find it out soon enough.

The silverlining is that it’s proven to be a very effective boomer remover. With a bit of extra luck, it will also get rid of influencers. A girl can only hope.

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