House Hunting

I should move back with my parents.

After one year and so many months of casually looking for a house, we finally bought one. Just like the MBA, I thought the pain would be over as soon as I handed them the check, but little did I know the nightmare was just beginning. You see, it all started when I was 4 and my parents decided I could not have a pony. OK, maybe that’s not where it all started but it’s better than admitting that I wanted a bigger place just so I could adopt two or 20 more cats. I am on my way to becoming a cat lady and I’m not even slightly embarrassed of it.

In any case, we started visiting houses way above our budget only to be hit with the reality of the market. Some of the main things we came to realize early in our search were:

  • Plateau is fucking unaffordable
  • The few places that are affordable are shitholes
  • The unaffordable places are also shitholes, just more expensive ones
  • Every single place required at least $200K extra in renovations
  • What’s the point of setting an asking price if you enter a bidding war anyway?

So we expanded our scope and looked into other neighborhoods, much to Olivier‘s chagrin, but fuck it. I grew up in a huge house with many rooms and bathrooms, and more space than I ever needed. Of course I wanted to replicate that lifestyle because, in my memories, it was paradise. Yeah, about that…

There is one tiny detail I did not account for in my demands: staff. Of course my parents’ house was beautifully maintained without me even lifting a finger because I had Dobby’s running around everywhere. Taking advantage of poor people to do household chores is, as I’ve been told, not kosher in a first world country. Fuck, man.

After placing offers in two houses – and failing miserably – we found one in the not so boho or hipster part of Montreal: Rosemont. Not that it’s a shitty neighborhood, it’s just not Plateau. We weren’t super convinced of the area, largely residential as opposed to the multiple opportunities to go and be a hoe that Plateau offers, but the house itself was amazing… and also massively overpriced.

Thank God for coronavirus.

The owners needed to sell fast, the was a couple of days away from being instated, and we had the money, so we lowballed them hard. I should probably be ashamed of using Covid to our advantage, but then again, I should probably be ashamed of many things I’ve done in my life and I’m not. So that is, ladies and gentlemen, how we got a house.

Now the problem is I’ve spent the last two weeks running from Home Depot to IKEA to another Home Depot to find everything I need to maintain it. Where do they sell Dobby’s for cheap? Ideally through legal means but also OK with human trafficking as long as I don’t have to touch the Lysol bottle again.

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