Our Last Morning Together

November 28th, 2021.

00:36 – We picked you up at the nanny’s house
01:22 – We got home and let you out of your cage
01:27 – You wanted to go to the garden, but it was too dark and cold
01:31 – We poured more water and filled your bowl with all the food you liked
01:35 – I was expecting you to throw yourself at it, but you merely smelled it and left
01:42 – I petted you, trying to absorb what was to happen later that day
01:55 – I sang all your songs to make you feel better, but you seemed in so much pain
02:01 – I fed you treats, you ate 10, I counted them
02:06 – “Please give me a sign you’re doing well,” but you stopped eating then
02:19 – I wanted to rub your belly, but was too afraid to hurt you
02:28 – You followed me upstairs, and made me think that perhaps you were OK
02:33 – “Maybe we are making a mistake,” I heard myself say
02:40 – You tumbled down the stairs, you were definitely not OK
02:48 – I carried you to the bed
02:49 – “Please stay with us,” I begged
03:10 – We went to sleep, your head next to mine
03:11 – I expected you to purr like you normally did but no sound came out
03:12 – “Oh, God, how I wish you would pass in your sleep!” I thought
03:19 – We turned the lights off
04:01 – I woke up, you were still next to me
04:03 – “Still breathing,” I noticed putting my hand on you
05:28 – I woke up again, but you were not there
05:49 – You spilled your water all over the floor downstairs
06:02 – I finished cleaning so I went back to sleep
06:04 – “I can sleep later, but I will never have more time with him”
06:11 – I saw you resting in my chair so I sat next to you
06:17 – Sunlight reflected on the white snow covering your favorite garden spots
06:45 – I’ve been petting you the whole time, but you haven’t purred, not even once
07:31 – I thanked you for everything you did, and apologized for everything I didn’t do
08:16 – You drank more water and refused all food
08:50 – “It’s not enough time, I’m not ready yet!”
09:20 – I was about to take an long shower but that was time I could spend with you
09:45 – I put you on my lap, and rubbed your belly a bit
09:47 – You placed your paw protectively over it, you never did that when you weren’t sick
09:48 – I got the message, I rubbed your chest and scratched your ears and neck instead
09:50 – “I wish I could have done something for you,” I said, crying again
10:12 – “I need more time with you, can we postpone?”
10:13 – “No” is all I heard
10:27 – “Come on, let’s go outside!”
10:30 – You tried to do your thing in your usual spot, but nothing came out
10.33 – I stopped you when you tried to hide behind the shed
10:35 – You gave up, and reluctantly walked back home
10:47 – We heard noises outside, “Is this it?”
10:48 – False alarm
10:50 – The vet called in, she would be there 30 minutes late
11:27 – A white SUV parked in front of our place
11:28 – “I didn’t have enough time, I’m not ready yet!”
11:29 – The vets came in, you are not even fazed
11:40 – They explained the process, I couldn’t believe this was really happening
11:42 – They injected you once, I regretted everything when you meowed in pain
11:43 – You started fading away, I could not longer keep a straight face
11:44 – I whispered all the beautiful things you would see on the other side
11:45 – “Oh, fuck, he must be so scared!”
11:46 – I cupped your face in my hands, so your blank stare rested on me
11:47 – She shaved your front leg for the next shot, the one that would finish the job
11:48 – “Mackie, I love you so much, thank you for everything, don’t be afraid”
11:49 – The vet checked your vitals and shook her head, you were no longer there
11:50 – She offered to give us more time with you, “What’s the point? He’s gone,” I said
11:52 – They put you in a bag
12:04 – The SUV is gone with you in the back
12:05 – I stayed behind, remembering everything that was and that I’d never get back

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