American Horror Story: Grindr

The scariest season of the whole series.

After coming back from Mexico, I decided to download all the dating apps out there. I had literally no experience with any of them since I met my now ex way before the right-swiping era. To be honest, I would much rather continue meeting guys that way. Some would say I am an old-fashioned guy, but in reality it’s just that I have watched, read, and heard of too many crimes and other bizarre situations originating in that type of apps and sites.

Also, I am a huge paranoid, so I just don’t trust people that easily, especially when it comes to sex and HIV status. However, I will either have to learn how to deal with that or start adopting cats. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but I would rather have someone by my side to help me take care of all those cats.

So I uploaded a very vanilla picture of myself, added a nice bio, selected “Friends”, took a deep breath, and waited. Soon after, I had dozens of messages from men asking me if I was in the mood for ‘Fun’. Now, me, being the stupid person that I am, thought, “Well, all these guys are very friendly, what’s up with people complaining so much about Grindr?”

So of course I accepted. I usually followed up with a completely innocent question along the lines of: What do you have in mind?

Immediately after, all these guys threw at me a variety of things I had done in the past but usually came with a fancy dinner before them. I’m certainly not ready to go from having an almost “Happily ever after”, to becoming the new boy toy in town.

On the plus side, at least they also sent me dick pics, so it was easy to see who I would have the most fun with if it came to that.

What was most surprising – to me, at least – was how casually they would ask for sex. Ten years ago, my opportunities to have sex were very limited and certainly none of them were online.

The only ways for me to get it were either by hooking up with any of my high school classmates or professors, or plainly going to a gay club and hoping for the best. I was also an underage teenager, so the latter was slightly harder than I made it sound. In any case, assuming a best-case scenario, it was not easy at all.

Fast forward to ten years later, here I am: a very vanilla profile pic among a sea of headless torsos with raunchy messages on their bios.

It’s crazy how even men who are supposedly looking to do some “networking” have a closed-up picture of their crotch or ass on display. Where are they going to network, in the back of an alley?

Is this seriously how gay men meet their boyfriends these days? How? Fuck first and ask questions like their names, ages, favorite colors, dreams, career aspirations, and whether they prefer dogs or cats later?

We’re rejecting and being rejected based exclusively on our abs or lack thereof. Seriously, how shallow has the dating game become in these ten years?

Are there any chances of me actually meeting someone in any of these apps?

All of these thoughts went through my head as I agreed to meet someone up in what could be considered a date of sorts. I don’t necessarily love the idea of this, but hey, they say that the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else.

I’ll put that theory to the test.

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