Kylie Summer 2019

I stepped back in time.

My boyfriend gave me the best birthday gift ever: Tickets to Kylie Minogue’s mini summer tour. I couldn’t believe it, how did he even think of this? It’s not like I was expecting my nonstop moaning and whining about having missed the Golden tour to have any effect on him since he ignores me all the time anyway. Whatever did I do to land such an amazing boyfriend?

OK, that’s actually a rhetorical question because I perfectly know what I did; my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and he was not the exception.

So we booked our tickets to Scotland to see her show right in front of the Edinburgh Castle, such a fitting scenario for the Princess of Pop. However, as soon as I arrived to the venue, I noticed something that shook me to the core: There was no alcohol. Oh, calamity.

OK, no, actually that wasn’t it, although it was also very terrifying. However, the prospect of being trapped with eight thousand drunk Scots was worse so I sucked it up.

No, the horror I’m speaking of is related to the fact that I was the youngest in that crowd. I mean, I will forever be 21, but honestly, there were no people who actually were 21. I swear to God everyone I saw was well in their 50’s, 60’s, and I would even dare say 70’s. Seriously, everyone there was so old that I wonder if instead of returning to their homes, they all returned to the morgue. There was even one woman with a walker making her way to the mosh pit. It was the night of the living corpses, I’m telling you.

Even scarier was the lack of gays. Are you telling me that Kylie Minogue has straight fans? I’m shooketh.

I had to put up with an opening act before the actual show started. I could have totally skipped it but I thought it couldn’t be that bad. It was. This girl from some random Scottish village came out, and I didn’t know her at all which is fine because I’m not a local. The problem was that no one else knew her either.

That didn’t stop her from trying to make us sing along to her songs which we obviously didn’t know. I swear to God you could hear the crickets whenever she pointed the mic at us. The worst part is that she was acting like we were the best crowd ever and actually complimenting us on it. Girl, read the room, please.

Things took a turn for the worse when she introduced her favorite song in the album – which she obviously wrote. Hold on to your knickers, girls, because this is going to be a roller coaster:

“Has this ever happened to you? It’s a Tuesday past midnight, it’s raining and you’ve just missed bus 53 to [insert her village’s name]. I didn’t know who to call or what to do, so I opened Instagram and started stalking my ex. I scrolled down and down and down until I saw a pic of him with his new girlfriend, so I obviously started stalking her too. Not only is she super fit, hanging out with her super fit friends in yachts, but her parents are filthy rich, have a huge mansion, and she will get a Law degree from the University of Edinburgh. And, you know, I’m very happy that my ex has found a new love but did she really have to be that much better than me?! Can you relate to this?”

Bitch, what? First of all this is not therapy and secondly, of course I cannot relate. This is Glenn Close on Fatal Attraction kind of crazy. She was literally one step away from boiling alive her ex’s pet bunny. But then, completely oblivious to her craziness, she went on to add: Anyway, this song is called I’m The Best You’ve Ever Had.

There is a lot to unpack here, but I won’t say shit because I’m afraid she will come and boil my fat cat once she’s done murdering her ex and everyone else she knows. All I know is that her next performance should be at the looney bin where her delusional ass belongs.

The cherry on the cake was her soulful rendition of Toxic. Does she realize Britney is not famous because of the depth of her songs? Because I don’t know why she would attempt to sing that song (or any other Britney song) wailing as if she had just lost her husband in the war and her first born to diphtheria. Pop music doesn’t work this way, sweetie.

Anyway, Kylie herself was amazing and I will love her forever. I will gladly put up with crazy bitches like this any day just to see the Princess of Pop again.

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