Bling Empire Eps 2-3 Review

Am I watching a horror movie now?

Oh, boy. Never did I think a penis pump would cause so much drama, but it’s 2021 so anything can happen. On a related note: the penis pump is somehow not the worst thing this show has exposed me to so far. However, before we get to that, let’s discuss Kevin.

I have important questions here, but the one I keep asking myself, and everyone else who’s watched, is: Is Kevin actually stupid or playing stupid?

Kane agrees, so maybe he really is just that dumb. But then there is a bigger question to address: How the hell is this guy hanging out with the super rich when he’s neither rich nor smart? And let’s be honest here: He’s not that hot either. I don’t get it.

I hope he’s actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing, because this goody two-shoes act he has going on is unnerving. Is there more substance to him other than just being dumb and making poverty a personality?

I say that, but this is working for sugar momma Anna, who gifts him thousands of dollars worth of Dior. Of course he wears them all around LA and then decides to give the gifts back to her because he’s afraid this is some sort of test. Girl, not even Walmart will take back shoes after you’ve crossed half the city wearing them. Maybe he is that dumb.

I don’t know if this was a test, but I’m certain that he’s failed every academic test ever.

Anna decides to hook him up with Kelly, and he’s all down for that. However, it turns out that Kevin is besties with Andrew too. Whatever happened to bros before hoes? I’m confused. This leads to an awkward conversation about how Andrew should just have more anal sex with Kelly to keep her happy. Putting that aside, we learn that Kevin loves it.

As a top or a bottom, though? I need answers.

Meanwhile, Christine’s husband wants another baby. I actually felt bad for Christine here. She married a millionaire, but she also married into a very traditional family. One that measures her worth based on the number of male heirs she can produce. It seems like another pregnancy would put her life at risk, but deep down Christine just doesn’t want another baby. I respect that, but her husband doesn’t. As bad as it is, it’s about to get worse: Something else went down in the past and Dr. Chiu is the one to blame.

Somewhere else, Cherie Chan had a second baby, and I hated it. They literally brought the cameras in and have them rolled as she was giving birth to it. Why? We’re in the middle of a global pandemic, over one million of people have died, hooking up with strangers is now scarier than ever… did we really need to see the baby crowning? Have we not suffer enough?

Well, the answer is clearly not because Anna thought it was OK to flash her breasts not once, but twice. I’m all about celebrating people’s bodies, but I was also having dinner. As a wise black woman once said, ‘Right in front of my salad?!‘, and I felt that. Hard.

But it’s 2021 and we are playing this simulation called Life in nightmare mode, so the worst was yet to come. And it probably came with the help of the penis pump, pun intended. Oh, Lord. Ironically, it all started with the word of the Lord, or rather with an exorcism of Anna’s house led by Kim.

Anna invited Kim, Kane, Kevin and Guy – a rando who I hope we don’t see anymore – to her house. Naturally, Kim brings her Bible with her because she has ESPN or something, and states that a presence is making her feel unwelcome.

No tea no shade, but judging by how annoying she is, I’m surprised she is welcomed anywhere at all.

So the exorcism starts and Father Merrin and Father Karras, aka Kim and Guy, find something even Linda Blair would be afraid of: A penis pump. The moment I saw that I asked myself the hard questions:

  • What’s a penis pump?
  • Why does Anna have one?
  • Wait, is Anna a non-op trans woman?
  • but mostly:

Kim and Guy exposed Anna’s penis pump to the rest of her guests and, after a fight at some random bar, the two armies are clearly defined. On one side, we have Anna, Kevin, Kelly, and potentially Kane. On the other we have Christine, Kim, Guy, and (again) potentially Kane.

As Anna best put it:

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